A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:-

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."

Here's a Joke listing of some recently-published "new books" & their author....

- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace

- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel

- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate

- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung

- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud

- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter

- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples

- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch

- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First

10 Features of The Company Car

-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

______________________________________________________________________

USA Today:

WE'RE DEAD
_______________________________________________________________________

The Wall Street Journal:

DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
_______________________________________________________________________

National Enquirer:

JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN
______________________________________________________________________

Microsoft Systems Journal:

APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
______________________________________________________________________

Victoria's Secret Catalog:

OUR FINAL SALE
________________________________________________________________________

Sports Illustrated:

GAME OVER
________________________________________________________________________

Wired:

THE LAST NEW THING
________________________________________________________________________

Rolling Stone:

THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
_________________________________________________________________________

Readers Digest:

'BYE
_________________________________________________________________________

Discover Magazine:

HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
__________________________________________________________________________

Lady's Home Journal:

LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
_________________________________________________________________________

America Online:

SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
_________________________________________________________________________

Inc. magazine:

TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
__________________________________________________________________________

TIME magazine:

RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Things you can only say at Christmas :

1. I prefer breasts to legs.

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15.. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang..

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

Ten Common Full-Time Employee Ailments

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.